I confess—I’m a people-pleaser at heart. I steer clear of conflict, dread disappointing others, and truly can’t stand tension. I’m not one to stir the pot or cause a ruckus. In all honesty, I’d love for everyone to think highly of me! My desire to keep the peace often makes it excruciatingly tough for me to say no. And when I say “tough,” I mean I dodge it like it’s contagious.
What if I actually said no? Would people get angry? Would they label me as weak or lazy? Would I come off as rude? Would they be disappointed or decide they didn’t like me anymore? The anxiety of contemplating these outcomes was overwhelming. As a result, I found myself saying yes far too often.
I agreed to commitments I didn’t want, tasks I shouldn’t have taken on, and even things that didn’t hold much significance. Before I knew it, I felt overwhelmed and as though I had lost control of my life. I’d find myself snapping at my kids and losing my cool with my partner over minor issues, like a stray sock on the floor. It all spiraled into feelings of inadequacy—all because I couldn’t muster the courage to turn down requests for help at events like bake sales or sales parties disguised as a fun night out with friends.
A few weeks back, I had a moment of clarity—or perhaps a complete emotional breakdown—when it hit me: I simply cannot do everything nor can I make everyone happy. Despite my best efforts, it’s impossible to be liked by all. Enough was enough; I decided it was time to be choosier with my yeses and far more generous with my nopes.
I won’t pretend it was easy—I was genuinely afraid of upsetting people or, heaven forbid, making them dislike me. I didn’t want to come off as rude, either!
But the burden of all these unwanted obligations was suffocating. I realized it was time to reclaim my time and energy. So, I started liberally using my nopes.
- Could I be the room mom for my son’s class? Nope.
- Could I attend your neighbor’s cousin’s wedding? Nope.
- Could I join your sales pitch disguised as a moms’ night out? Nope.
- Could I make it to that big football game everyone from college is attending? Nope (even though I wanted to go).
- Could I whip up dinner? Nope. (How about picking up Thai food on the way home? That’s a big yes!)
An interesting thing happened once I started saying no more often—absolutely nothing catastrophic occurred. The world didn’t end. People weren’t furious (and if they were, they did a great job of hiding it). I didn’t come across as rude or unkind, because I’m not! I merely became more protective of my time and more aware of my own limits. I remained polite even when saying no; phrases like “no, thank you,” “probably not,” and “thanks, but no thanks” became my go-to responses. Sometimes I chose to explain my no; other times, I simply stood firm—because guess what? “Nope” is a complete sentence.
Taking back control of my life was liberating, and I found joy in reserving my yeses for the people and activities that truly matter to me. Yes, it can be tough and I occasionally experience FOMO, but rather than trying to cater to everyone, I focus more on nurturing relationships with those who value and respect me in return.
And here’s the reality: not everyone will like me, even if I bend over backward trying to please them. I could shower people with yeses and still face rejection. The truth is I can’t make everyone happy all the time. I am not a cat video! So why should I exhaust myself with endless yeses? Nope. Not anymore.
While I’ve shifted from being a people-pleaser to someone who stands her ground, I remain kind, gentle, and polite. My nopes may sometimes sound like “I’m sorry, but no thank you,” but they’re still rooted in respect for my time and self-care.
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In summary, I have learned that saying “no” can be empowering, leading to a more fulfilling life as I prioritize what truly matters, while also fostering kindness and respect for myself and others.