On the final day of my graduate English course, we were tasked with presenting our career aspirations to a room full of classmates. Each person shared their dreams: one guy rambled about High German linguistics, another talked passionately about the works of Michael Field, while others discussed literary ambitions. Then there was Lucy. She stood up and bluntly declared that she planned to drop out, have kids, and start an organic farm.
The room fell silent. Lucy’s choice seemed to contradict everything we had learned about feminism: embracing our talents, striving for the highest positions, and breaking through glass ceilings. The prevailing message was clear: a woman’s worth lies in her professional accomplishments, and staying home with children was nowhere near that ideal.
Interestingly, I eventually found myself on the same path as Lucy. I left my Ph.D. program to focus on raising my son and later had two more children. Writing remained a passion of mine, but it was no longer my top priority. My days shifted from academic discussions about Foucault to laundry duties and homeschooling. Instead of the professional attire I once wore, I now sport yoga pants and flowy dresses. My gardening has transformed into cultivating a bog garden filled with carnivorous plants, and I enjoy crocheting hats for my kids.
Like many stay-at-home moms, I feel overlooked by feminism. The movement often fails to recognize the value of parenting and the myriad tasks that accompany it. There’s no recognition for the countless hours spent nurturing, teaching, or even breastfeeding. As noted in a Huffington Post article, “Breastfeeding has become the last legitimate ‘women’s work’,” further perpetuating the notion that a woman’s role should be confined to the home.
Caregiving is often relegated to the background—performed by maids, nurses, and stay-at-home moms—while feminism seems to focus on lifting women into roles that are deemed more valuable. There’s an underlying assumption that we should desire to pursue something other than caregiving. The idea that we could find happiness in nurturing our children is largely dismissed.
Moreover, feminism propagates the belief that we are “wasting” our talents by choosing caregiving. Activities like reading children’s books, cooking meals, or engaging in arts and crafts are seen as unworthy of our education and skills. It’s as if society believes we’ve been misled into wanting to stay home, suggesting that true fulfillment lies elsewhere.
Yet, I am perfectly content with my choices. I wasn’t forced into this role; I chose it freely. Despite the societal narrative that staying home is a waste of time, I find fulfillment in my daily life. The idea that anyone can easily take on the responsibilities of a stay-at-home parent undermines the complexities and challenges involved.
I refuse to let others dictate my identity as a feminist. I proudly embrace the term, not just for myself but for all mothers who have consciously chosen to devote their lives to childcare in a society that often undervalues this work. If feminism is about making choices without external pressure, then we are indeed feminists. While some days can be challenging, we find joy in our decisions, and ultimately, that embodies the essence of feminism.
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Summary
In this piece, we explore how mainstream feminism often overlooks the crucial role of stay-at-home moms. The narrative surrounding women’s fulfillment frequently dismisses caregiving as a valid choice, suggesting that it is a waste of talent and education. However, many find deep satisfaction in their decision to prioritize family life, reclaiming the feminist identity for themselves and others like them.