As I watched my youngest child drive off to college, his car filled to the brim with belongings, a wave of sadness washed over me. I felt empty and disoriented, as if I had lost a part of myself.
“Guess you’re not really a mother anymore,” remarked the tall person beside me, who usually brought comfort. In that moment, I grabbed the nearest utensil—a butter knife—and growled back, “Take that back!” I realize now that was one of the low points in my 25-year parenting journey.
However, as days morphed into weeks and weeks into months, I found clarity. My husband and I began to embrace the quiet of our empty nest. I reflected on the comment made to me and realized I had many questions regarding my evolving role as a mother of three. Sure, I remained their mother, but how involved should I be in their lives? Was it still my place to offer guidance or share my opinions? Should I still be filling those holiday baskets? As I pondered these questions, I found myself asking even more.
When Does a Child Truly Become an Adult?
The answer is subjective. At 16, they can travel alone. At 17, they can watch R-rated movies. The age of 18 grants the ability to vote, sign contracts, and register for the draft. By 21, they can make legal decisions about drinking and gambling. While the government designates 18 as the age of adulthood, I believe reaching adulthood is a gradual process that extends beyond this birthday. For me, a child becomes an adult when they can fully support themselves, particularly financially. This age varies for everyone, but generally, self-sufficiency marks the end of childhood.
Now That My Child is an Adult, What’s My Role?
After misstepping numerous times recently, I’ve concluded that it’s best to let adult children define their parents’ roles. It might seem one-sided, but to truly let go, we parents must take a significant step back from our adult children’s decision-making. Will they make mistakes? Absolutely. Just as we did. Will they face financial challenges? Yes, just like we did. Life is about learning from those experiences, which ultimately leads to wisdom.
What If My Adult Child’s Choices Clash with My Values?
This is indeed a tough situation. We raise our children based on our beliefs, but what happens when they diverge from those teachings? If my son, raised to be open-minded, suddenly embraces conservative views, or if my daughter, who grew up with conservative values, identifies as a progressive activist, it’s essential to accept their choices, even if they differ from our own. Their lives now belong to them, and it’s vital to refrain from judgment. While we may not agree with every decision they make—just as our parents probably didn’t agree with all of ours—our responsibility is to love them unconditionally and ensure they feel that love.
And What If They Seek Advice?
In that case, I’m all in! Just remember to wait for the invitation. If your daughter wants to chat daily, consider yourself lucky; if she prefers to connect less frequently, cherish those moments. Supporting and loving our kids fosters more meaningful conversations.
So if you find yourself navigating the realm of parenting adult children, put down the butter knife, embrace this new chapter, and recognize that mistakes and regrets are simply part of the journey toward maturity. Witnessing your children forge their own paths is a beautiful experience.
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In summary, letting go as a parent is challenging but ultimately rewarding. It requires a shift in perspective as you adapt to your adult children’s independence and decisions, fostering a relationship built on love and respect.