There’s a remarkable 24-year difference between my first daughter and my twin girls. Yes, you read that right—24 years, not months. I welcomed my first child at 18, and after she spread her wings and left home, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to start anew. I had my twins at 42. (Interestingly, my oldest has a daughter, which at one point made me a grandmother while expecting. But that’s a story for another time). I raised my first daughter in the 90s, and now, I’m navigating the joys of parenting in the 2010s.
When people learn about my two-generation family, they often ask (after expressing disbelief), “What’s the biggest difference you’ve noticed?” The answer? It’s simple—the internet, which has, unfortunately, dulled my maternal instincts.
During my initial parenting journey, I never consulted parenting articles or books. My maternal instincts guided me, even if they weren’t always spot-on. My mother was my only source of advice, delivered with a cigarette in hand. Her insights might have been questionable, but she raised me, and I turned out mostly fine, so I rolled with it. Somehow, despite it all, my oldest daughter blossomed into a wonderful individual who positively impacts her community.
The second time around was a completely different experience. I thought, “Wow, I have access to the entire world of information!” And thus began my quest for knowledge even before my twins arrived. I found myself frantically searching phrases like, “Why do my babies hiccup so much in the womb?” My instincts—or my mother—might have suggested, “You probably ate something spicy,” or “They’re just practicing their breathing.” Instead, Dr. Google prompted panic, insisting that my babies might have their cords wrapped around their necks and could be in serious danger if I didn’t act immediately. (True story: after a particularly intense search session, I ended up in tears, practically in a fetal position when my husband found me).
Despite my doctor’s advice to stay off the internet, I couldn’t help myself. Once the twins were born, I became obsessed with researching everything. I downloaded countless apps to track their eating, sleeping, and milestones, to the point where I felt paralyzed by the need to consult the internet before making any decisions. By the time they were two months old, my instincts felt completely drained. I couldn’t even tell if I had any maternal intuition left.
To be fair, the internet has its perks: I’ve connected with amazing twin moms, snagged a fantastic running stroller on Craigslist, and maintained a long-distance relationship with my mom. However, the judgment, conflicting information, and terrifying “what-ifs” can easily spiral anyone into anxiety and self-doubt. It all reached a tipping point, and I knew I needed to take a step back. When I did, I discovered that a balance exists. Here are some tips to help you retain your maternal instincts amidst the chaos:
1. Tune Out the Judgment
I was unaware of terms like “mommy wars” and “mom shaming” until I got lost in the internet rabbit hole during my pregnancy. Sure, judgment has always existed, but back in the day, it was more personal, like your Great Aunt Marge disapproving of your parenting style. Today, those same voices echo across social media, often amplified. The reality is, no one has all the right answers. We’re all navigating this journey together, and anyone who claims otherwise is as reliable as Great Aunt Marge.
2. Recognize Conflicting Information
Beyond judgment, you’ll encounter endless contradictory advice. “Always wear your baby.” “Never wear your baby.” “Co-sleeping is beneficial.” “Never co-sleep.” “Feed your baby purees.” “Skip purees and go straight to table food.” The overwhelming choices can drive anyone mad. I’ve tried it all, and results vary depending on your unique situation. Find what resonates with you and your family, and ignore the rest.
3. Avoid Catastrophic Thinking
Diving into research can sometimes lead to wild and irrational fears. Suddenly, a small blemish on your baby’s cheek transforms into a nightmare scenario. While I acknowledge that some families face serious challenges, not every concern warrants such extreme worry. If you do seek answers, limit your research to one or two possibilities and consult your doctor for guidance.
4. Steer Clear of Comments Sections
Whatever you do, avoid the comments section. This is where judgment and conflicting information come to life in vivid detail. I’ve wasted countless hours scrolling through, only to emerge feeling disoriented and frustrated—much like waking up after a rough night out. No good will come from spending time there.
5. Trust Your Instincts
This is perhaps the toughest advice to follow. It’s easy to second-guess yourself and seek validation when parenting feels overwhelming. When you do need a second opinion, reach out to your trusted support network. But remember, your intuition is still there. Trust it.
I still do my fair share of online searching. Just today, I looked up “mess-free toddler crafts.” Yet I’ve learned to take everything I read with a grain of salt. More often now, I rely on my instincts. And occasionally, I call my mom for advice, despite her being out of touch with modern parenting trends. Hearing her voice reassuringly say, “Honey, they’re just going through a phase. You’ll be fine. Trust your instincts,” is comforting. It may seem simplistic, but it reassures me that I’m not a terrible mom. I know my girls will thrive, both because of and in spite of me. My instincts, much like my mother’s advice, come from a place of love.
In summary, parenting in the age of the internet can be daunting, but by tuning out judgment, recognizing conflicting advice, and trusting your instincts, you can navigate these challenges with confidence.