Jessica Lane understands the emotional turmoil that arises when your child faces exclusion from peers. As many parents dread the thought of their little ones struggling to make friends at school, they often underestimate the rage they might feel towards other children who hurt their kids. In a recent conversation with Family Today, Lane shared her own experience when her daughter, Lily, started kindergarten.
“I noticed some really confident kids in her class,” Lane recounted. “They were so cute and boisterous, and while they were playing, my daughter kept saying, ‘Play with me!’ But they just ignored her. I was like, ‘Wow, I need to talk to someone about this because the anger? I was overwhelmed.’”
In that moment, Lane chose to step back, recognizing that intervening could complicate matters for her daughter. Despite knowing that acting on those feelings would be inappropriate, the urge to protect her child was almost unbearable.
As parents, we often pride ourselves on our maturity and restraint, believing we wouldn’t engage in a conflict with children. Yet, the intense emotions that surface in these situations can be strikingly personal. I once dealt with a similar incident: my son, during his second-grade year, faced a situation where another child publicly humiliated him during recess. I volunteered in that classroom regularly, and every time I crossed paths with that kid, I imagined all sorts of misfortunes befalling him. Of course, I would never act on such thoughts, but the emotional struggle was real.
The comedian Mark Turner has a memorable bit about this very situation in his special, Life in the Playground. He describes feeling a consuming hatred towards a boy who bullied his daughter. When he witnessed the boy being unkind, instead of intervening immediately, he thought to himself, “Let’s see where this goes. I want a reason.” It’s a sentiment many parents can relate to; sometimes, we just want justification for our protective instincts.
Lane, reflecting on her own intense feelings, shared, “It’s startling how juvenile my emotions can be. I felt like a teenager again, just overwhelmed by a sense of injustice.” The primal urge to protect your child can evoke memories of your own childhood hurts, igniting that “Mama Bear” instinct. You know that the child causing the harm is just acting according to their nature, but that doesn’t quell your desire to defend your cub, even if it means taking on that child’s unusual fashion choices.
Watching your child suffer is one of the toughest challenges of parenthood. The hardest part is often deciding when to step in and when to allow your child to navigate the situation on their own. If you ever find yourself giving a disapproving glance to a kindergartener during snack time, you’re certainly not alone.
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In summary, the emotional landscape parents navigate when their children face social challenges is complex and often fraught with feelings of anger and helplessness. Jessica Lane’s experiences serve as a reminder that these feelings are universal, and it’s okay to feel that protective urge.