As an expectant parent and a proponent of gender equality, I entered motherhood with high hopes for a balanced partnership with my husband. Fast forward four years, and I found myself assuming the role of the primary caregiver, both at home and beyond. Despite working various part-time jobs that amounted to a full-time salary, I was managing more than my fair share of parenting and household responsibilities.
Even though women often apologize excessively, I recognized that this situation was largely of my own making. I regretted not communicating effectively with my husband and worried that our child was growing up with the impression that women were solely responsible for managing the home.
Defining the Primary Caregiver Role
Let’s clarify what I mean by “primary caregiver.” This is the person daycare calls when a child is unwell, even if the other parent is nearby. It’s the one who remembers to do the grocery shopping to ensure the child’s favorite outfit is clean for “pajama day” at school. In legal terms, this individual is often referred to as the “primary custodial parent.” In everyday life, it was me.
I bore our child and attempted to breastfeed—two realms I felt were firmly mine. However, after our child’s first birthday, things should have shifted to a more equitable split. Yet, I found myself continuing to email teachers, RSVP for birthday parties, and manage our son’s wardrobe. I was the one keeping track of his friends and their parents, essentially undertaking all the emotional labor for our family.
Sure, my husband would take our son for bike rides or assist with bedtime, but quality time is distinctly different from handling the majority of the household chores during the workday. One day, our son mentioned that “Daddy is a professor.” When I asked him what I did, he cheerfully replied, “My mommy.” I yearned to be recognized as a “writer” or “teacher,” roles I also embody. Yes, I am his mommy, but I am so much more.
Growing Resentment
This led to growing resentment towards my husband. The exhaustion of that first year, combined with recovering from a C-section and managing a child who didn’t sleep well, was taxing. I found myself envious of my husband’s professional achievements. While I was occasionally crafting poetry and presenting at conferences, I didn’t feel I was advancing in my career as he was. Was it possible that, despite the challenges of motherhood, I could write more and boost my income?
At this point, both of us were in our forties and should have known better. We had been independent adults before marriage and had always supported each other. What had gone wrong? Why, when my husband offered to handle a task, did I instinctively say, “I got it”?
Communication is Key
As our son settled for the night, which always felt too late, tensions flared between us. Then, my husband asked, “What do you want me to do to share the load?” For the first time, I truly listened.
As much as I wanted to point fingers and play the victim, he had a valid point. He would suggest doing laundry, and I’d insist it was fine for me to take care of it. He would offer to wash the dishes after dinner, and I would say I could finish my chores. (Yes, I fancied myself a sort of Little-House-on-the-Prairie housewife.) He’d propose going grocery shopping, and … you get the idea.
I had become so accustomed to handling these tasks that I found it difficult to let go. Did I take pride in my laundry skills to the extent that I didn’t want to share? Was I genuinely eager to scrub burnt food off the pots?
Was I succumbing to societal expectations of motherhood? Was it society that would come knocking to check if I had emptied the dishwasher, or would my poems, if ever written, be acknowledged by “society”?
The harsh realization? Communication—the cornerstone of any relationship—was equally essential after becoming parents. We needed to engage in dialogue. It was basic relationship knowledge that, after more than a decade together, we had somehow overlooked.
Cynthia Kane, in her book How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, emphasizes that “Compassion enters our communication the moment we begin to see where the other person is coming from.” This perspective transforms the other person into an equal participant rather than an adversary.
Reclaiming Effective Communication
It was time to reclaim effective communication. We had chosen each other and could resolve this. So, we sat down, discussed our challenges, and updated our shared electronic calendar to create a clear action plan. We decided to each work late one night weekly, share laundry duties, alternate grocery shopping, and coordinate on household supplies and children’s needs. I would aim for annual writing residencies while he would cut back on some conferences. We aspired to balance the scales.
Additionally, we committed to more date nights to reconnect and remember the reasons we fell in love over a decade ago. Hope was restored.
For further insights and support on this journey, you can visit this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Also, check out this informative piece on couples’ fertility journeys in relation to intracevical insemination. Communication is vital, so let’s embrace it!
Summary
In navigating the challenges of parenthood and maintaining a partnership, open communication is essential. Acknowledging the imbalance in responsibilities can lead to a healthier relationship while fostering equality in parenting roles. By sharing tasks and prioritizing quality time together, couples can rekindle their connection.