Our swear jar sits quietly in the corner, currently holding a mere two coins. One coin was dropped in when my 7-year-old, Jake, was just five. While exploring the local museum shop, he suddenly exclaimed in a surprisingly deep voice, “What the heck is that?” He then looked at me and added, “Don’t cry, Mommy.” The second coin appeared last week when his older brother, Max, captured his queen during a chess game. “You jerk!” Jake shouted. At least he used the term correctly. So far, we’ve accumulated a whopping 20 cents.
This jar hasn’t been very effective, as we don’t penalize song lyrics or titles. Jake loves David Bowie’s “Queen Bitch” and requests it eagerly (noticing a pattern here). All three kids joyfully sing along to “O! You Pretty Things,” including the line, “The other’s a witch.” They know every word to Hamilton, which features lines like, “My name is Hercules Mulligan/When you knock me down I get the heck back up again!” And yes, I allow them to sing the unfiltered Hamildrop featuring Benjamin Franklin, whose chorus boldly asks, “Do you know who the heck I am?” Clearly, I’m not overly concerned with the words they choose. The swear jar has effectively become a joke.
Whenever they curse, we simply remind them to add a coin to the jar, then retreat to another room to stifle our laughter. I’m ready for a new approach because this swear jar is pointless. I’m not bothered if my kids say “heck,” as long as they don’t do it in front of their grandparents. What truly matters to me is that they learn kindness.
I genuinely care if I catch them bullying one another, being unkind, or ignoring each other. I’m concerned when I see my oldest son dismissing his younger brother or when my middle child chases his defenseless siblings with a squirt gun. I care when they kick each other and chant silly phrases like “Jake is a silly goose,” or when they refuse to assist one another. I’m not worried about them picking up a few curse words; I’m concerned about raising compassionate, empathetic individuals.
Enter the Kindness Jar
The Kindness Jar functions like the Swear Jar, but it will fill up much faster. Each time I catch one of the kids being unkind to another, they will add a coin to the Kindness Jar (side note: they’ll need to do some mental math to track their allowances). Typical violations will cover the usual sibling rivalry: fighting, refusing to help each other, huffing, using harsh words, ignoring one another, or name-calling.
Additionally, tattling counts as a violation, as it’s a deliberate attempt to get someone into trouble for personal gain. If someone touches another in a way they dislike after being told not to, that will incur a triple penalty. While Jake’s outburst towards Max might typically draw a fine, it’s not for the profanity itself; calling your brother a “jerk” is simply unkind.
Being disrespectful toward their parents will also incur penalties. I won’t include general disobedience, as kids will be kids, but willful mean backtalk—like saying “I hate you”—will definitely count.
This jar is likely to fill quickly. It’s not that my kids are particularly horrid; on the contrary, they’re usually very sweet. My oldest is quick to comfort his youngest brother when he’s hurt, and my middle son generously shared part of his allowance with little Jake so he could buy a toy. My boys are inherently kind, but like any 9-, 7-, and 5-year-olds, they can also be quite annoying to one another, making silly noises just to irritate each other or taking toys without asking.
Once the jar fills up, we’ll have a decent amount of money. Since this is a Kindness Jar, I want some of the money to go to a charity of their choice. I’ll offer them a few options, such as a local animal rescue. The rest of the funds will go towards a family activity, whether it’s gas for a trip or a portion of a campsite fee. I want to take them to roll the coins, so they understand that this is real money, not just a few cents.
Perhaps, by having to part with their own money, they’ll think twice before being unkind. Even if it doesn’t work wonders, it provides a tangible consequence for their behavior.
In the end, this is a far better solution than that outdated swear jar. If you’re navigating similar parenting challenges, consider exploring resources like IVF Babble for more insights. You might also want to check out this at-home insemination kit for additional support. For more information, feel free to reach out through this contact page.
Summary: In the quest to promote kindness among siblings, a new Kindness Jar replaces the ineffective swear jar, encouraging children to think before speaking and fostering empathy. Funds will support charitable causes and family experiences, ultimately aiming for a more compassionate household.