This year has been filled with a whirlwind of emotions for many, including panic, anxiety, confusion, and an overwhelming sense of fatigue. As a working mother and a doctoral student raising three young children amidst a pandemic, these feelings are not uncommon. Recently, I experienced a new emotion tied to COVID-19—shame. A profound shame, akin to the feelings of getting caught cheating or sneaking candy. This shame stems from hosting a birthday party for my 6-year-old son.
My son, a middle child, is incredibly sweet and responsible, often overshadowed by his older brother and younger sister. With an 8-year-old brother who has ADHD, our family’s attention is frequently pulled in different directions. My middle child often misses out on the recognition and excitement that his siblings receive. Having experienced the challenges of being a middle child myself, I understand the loneliness and busyness that can come with it. After canceling his birthday celebration last fall, we promised to make it up to him this year.
Initially, it seemed impossible to organize a party with COVID-19 impacting our lives. However, as the summer progressed and case numbers in our area decreased, I began to feel hopeful. With a test positivity rate below 2% for months and children returning to in-person classes without any reported cases, I decided it was a good time to celebrate my son’s special day. As a professional in public health, I felt equipped to host a safe event.
We chose a spacious gym filled with obstacle courses for the venue. The invitation stated, “Everyone has their own relationship with risk; we understand if you or your child do not feel comfortable attending.” We outlined all safety measures we would implement. We were fortunate enough to reserve the entire gym, and the equipment was sanitized beforehand. Guests underwent temperature checks, used hand sanitizer upon entry, and were required to wear masks. To avoid removing masks, we opted not to serve food but provided prepackaged cookies as party favors. Drinks were spaced out at tables to ensure safety. The event was a success, filled with joy and laughter.
While we are all exhausted from the pandemic, I didn’t plan the party out of mere desire for normalcy. It was a well-calculated risk, and yet, risk can sometimes lead to unforeseen consequences.
Just four days later, I received a call from the Department of Health informing me that one of the children who attended the party had tested positive for COVID-19. The school subsequently contacted all attendees, advising them to quarantine for 14 days and warned them against participating in what were labeled “dangerous community gatherings.”
Despite our best efforts to ensure safety, I was left grappling with guilt and shame. I questioned whether my actions were responsible. It’s complicated; every family is navigating risks by simply existing in the world today. How do we keep our children connected while minimizing risk? Finding the balance between safety and allowing childhood experiences seems increasingly daunting. This isn’t just a temporary setback; it feels like a continuous struggle.
Lessons Learned
The experience has taught me valuable lessons that I hope will resonate with other parents in similar situations:
- Words Matter: I found myself repeating this to the school staff member who criticized parents for attending the party. Her words carried weight and could instill shame and fear. It’s vital to choose our words carefully, especially now, as our children observe and learn from our reactions to stressful situations.
- We’re All Doing Our Best: Initially, I felt anger towards the parent of the sick child, but that quickly shifted to concern for the affected child and their family. Everyone is juggling significant stressors during this time, and understanding that we are all trying our best can help foster compassion.
- You Are Not Alone: This pandemic has created a shared experience among parents navigating unknowns and difficult choices daily. Remembering that many are in the same boat can provide comfort. Reaching out for connection can help alleviate anxiety and feelings of isolation.
In conclusion, the tension between protecting our children and allowing them to enjoy their childhood is a constant struggle. As we navigate this frozen tundra together, we must continue to take one step at a time, supporting one another along the way.
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