“It’s a mystery what I did wrong!”
This is typically how these conversations begin. Soon after, I hear claims that they did everything possible for their kids. As they strive to project themselves as the victims, I can’t shake the feeling they are really trying to convince themselves of their innocence.
As someone who has experienced estrangement, these discussions are particularly challenging. The things these parents say echo my own experiences with my parents. I can imagine my mom and dad somewhere, insisting they have no clue what went wrong.
However, many of these parents are fully aware of their actions. Firstly, they were present for those moments. They know what they did because they were the ones responsible. Secondly, we often communicate our feelings to them as adults in a last-ditch effort to help them recognize their mistakes so we can mend the relationship.
I’ve shared my feelings with my mother numerous times. Each time, I held onto the naive hope that she would listen and apologize. All I wanted was for her to acknowledge the years of psychological harm and accept her role in it, so I could stop blaming myself. But she never accepted responsibility. Eventually, I made the decision to cut ties, and she had the nerve to act as if my choice came out of nowhere.
I pleaded with my father to trust my perspective over my mother’s, but he wouldn’t. After what felt like the hundredth attempt, I severed our connection for the sake of my mental well-being. He insists he has no idea why I’ve distanced myself.
Deep down, my parents know the truth, but they avoid confronting it. Crafting narratives for others where they frame themselves as victims is far more comforting, and those around them readily buy into it.
I understand that conflicts can arise between parents and children. I recognize that not all situations mirror mine. I’ve also encountered parents who have faced abusive behavior from their children. Yet, I can’t help but feel doubtful when parents complain about being cut off by their kids, perceiving them as ungrateful rather than attempting to grasp their children’s pain. With this type of parent, there is rarely any sign of accountability for their role in the estrangement, which leaves me feeling uneasy.
Severing ties with one’s parents is no small feat. Despite my mother’s abusive behavior and my father’s enabling, it was still a difficult decision. It took over two decades for me to finally let go due to the trauma bond we shared.
Even though it’s been more than four years since I distanced myself from my parents, the remnants of that bond linger. Each day, I grapple with the urge to reach out to them. So when parents of estranged children assert that their kids “cut me off for no reason,” in a way that suggests they want others to sympathize with them in anticipation of their children’s side of the story, it sends shivers down my spine.
Abusers are adept at manipulation. They control their victims and those around them. I perceive these unsolicited conversations as a form of manipulation. Why are you bringing this up now? Why are you trying to sway me? What do you need from me? Why not focus this energy on improving yourself and your relationship with your children?
Children, regardless of age, rarely desire to sever ties with their parents. The Still Face Experiment conducted by Dr. Edward Tronick in 1975 demonstrated that infants will make efforts to reconnect with a non-responsive caregiver. When attempts fail, the infant withdraws, showcasing a painful expression. Conversely, when the caregiver becomes attentive again, the child is filled with joy. This experiment illustrates our innate need for connection with our parents that begins early in life. Just like those infants, I would feel elated if my parents acknowledged their mistakes and showed genuine growth.
Perhaps these children choose to leave because they are courageous, not because they lack gratitude. They may have extended numerous chances for reconciliation.
In any other abusive situation, we would commend the victim for choosing to leave and becoming a survivor. Yet, when the abuser is a parent, their actions often elicit sympathy rather than admiration for the child who has distanced themselves.
In a recent conversation with a parent, I gently asked, “Have you considered asking your daughter why she isn’t speaking to you?” They admitted they hadn’t. When I probed further, they quickly replied, “She won’t tell me.” They thought I would feel sympathy for their plight, but their response made it clear to me that they likely already knew the answer.
“I have no idea what I did wrong!”
Pretending ignorance about your actions is, in fact, part of the problem. Forcing your children to sever a deep bond is an issue you need to confront. Failing to learn from this and to accept accountability for your actions is where the harm lies. The most disheartening aspect is that you seem unwilling to grow. You prioritize your ego by sharing your version of events instead of listening to your children’s pain. That is where you have gone wrong.
This article was originally published on Dec. 26, 2020.
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Summary
The struggles of estranged children often stem from parents who refuse to acknowledge their roles in the breakdown of relationships. Many parents portray themselves as victims, failing to take responsibility for their actions. The article highlights the emotional turmoil faced by those who have distanced themselves from their parents, emphasizing the need for accountability and understanding. It also addresses the complexity of parent-child relationships and the difficulties of severing ties, revealing that estrangement can sometimes be a courageous act rather than a sign of ingratitude.