Updated: April 5, 2021
Originally Published: April 2, 2021
My upbringing was complicated, marked by experiences that I now recognize as abuse. My mother never physically harmed me, yet my father often struck me with his brown leather belt. I never labeled him as an abuser; rather, I viewed him through the lens of a parent from the ’80s. It wasn’t until I began therapy in the summer of 2020, following my mother’s death, that the floodgates of traumatic memories opened. I was overwhelmed by nightmares and flashbacks, realizing that I had endured mental, physical, and emotional abuse from both parents. My childhood was riddled with manipulation, neglect, and devaluation.
I was born in Florida in 1984 to what appeared to be a “good” family. We lived in a gated community, and at first glance, everything seemed perfect with a mother, father, brother, and dog. However, between my fifth and sixth birthdays, something shifted. I went from being a joyful, carefree child to someone who felt constantly diminished. My voice was stifled by the abuse, and I remained silent for years.
You might wonder how I can assert that I was a victim of abuse without clear memories. Trauma often obscures details, and this is inherent to PTSD. While specific events may be blurry, I can recall feelings and sensations that indicate I was subjected to hardship. I remember the harsh words, the name-calling, and moments of being exposed in vulnerable situations. I recall the infamous belt, which became a symbol of fear.
Child abuse is more common than many realize, with approximately 1 in 7 children in the U.S. facing it each year. Abuse isn’t always physical; neglect often takes the forefront, followed by psychological harm. In my case, my father was physically abusive, while my mother wielded emotional manipulation and neglect, especially after my father’s death. By the age of 12, I was left to care for myself, enduring verbal assaults that stunted my emotional growth.
Today, I am on a path of healing. I work closely with a psychologist and psychiatrist to reclaim my mind and body. Soon, I will start therapy with a trauma specialist using EMDR to help me process my past. Each day, I affirm my worth, despite the lingering doubts. My psychologist reminds me that my brain absorbs the affirmations I speak. Although this journey has been arduous — filled with memories that feel like repeated victimization — I choose to see myself as a survivor, not a victim. My life may be different, but it is a difference I am determined to overcome.
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In summary, my journey from being a victim of child abuse to becoming a survivor involves recognizing the past, engaging in therapy, and actively reshaping my narrative. I am learning to embrace my worth and strive for a future filled with hope and resilience.