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My spouse once visited my workspace and pointed out a glaring omission: “Why don’t you have a picture of us on your desk?” I glanced around, realizing that the only photos displayed were of our children. No image of her was in sight. She continued, “I have a picture of you at my desk.” I had no valid excuse; it wasn’t that I didn’t cherish her or enjoy discussing our relationship, but rather that I was hesitant to invite inquiries about my marriage in a professional setting.
That discussion made me recognize how crucial it is to display our commitment and embrace the questions that may arise, convenient or otherwise. This is a reality for many same-sex couples — we often find ourselves coming out repeatedly, asserting our identities in social contexts by calling each other “wife.”
When same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.S. in 2015, my spouse and I had already been living as a married couple, albeit under a civil union. As demographer Gary Gates pointed out, those who opposed marriage equality were mistaken; the rise in marriages among same-sex couples post-legalization clearly indicates a strong desire for marriage. My spouse and I demonstrated this truth when we exchanged vows in front of family and friends. We, like any couple, longed for the same rights and recognition afforded to our heterosexual peers, including the ability to refer to one another as “wife.”
For those of us in the queer community, the act of coming out can be a recurring journey. We have our personal stories from our teenage years, college days, or later in life. Sometimes, we share these narratives to support someone else or to reflect on our growth.
When I married in 2011, I felt immense joy and gratitude that our marriage was recognized both legally and socially. Our relationship mirrors those of other couples; we experience arguments, love, everyday responsibilities, and parental worries. While I had grown accustomed to referring to her as my “partner,” I realized that this term felt too vague.
Calling her my wife is essential. The term “partner” can unintentionally downplay the depth of our connection. It was a safer term I used in uncertain social situations, a linguistic shield for my emotional safety. Yet, as queer individuals, we often find ourselves navigating the delicate balance between protecting our mental well-being and openly celebrating our love.
In the U.S., over a million households identify as same-sex couples, with a significant portion of those being married. When we take the time to understand each other’s identities, we build essential connections that contribute to a more inclusive society. How I refer to my spouse in public is significant; it clarifies our relationship and reinforces our bond. Every time I publicly call her my wife, I affirm the legitimacy of our love and the importance of our union.
This ongoing process of coming out not only helps others understand our relationship but is also vital for our self-affirmation.
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