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It often seems that the most unexpected discussions with my kids arise during car rides. Recently, my five-year-old revealed something about herself that challenged my perceptions as a parent. She mentioned that having a blanket between her legs at bedtime felt physically good. This candid moment prompted me to reflect on my own openness regarding discussions about sexual behavior and health. I’m thankful that we can have conversations about sexual health, even at such a young age. What she shared, while surprising, is entirely normal, healthy, and age-appropriate.
As a parent, I’m learning to integrate the concept of sexual behavior into my toolkit. There’s no better resource for our children to learn about sexual health than us, their parents. A child’s exploration of their body and understanding of sexual behavior will vary based on their age and developmental stage, and it’s crucial for us to guide them through this journey.
When our twin daughters were three, they referred to penises as “peanuts,” which I found adorable, so I hesitated to correct them. Now that they are five, I recognize the importance of using anatomically accurate terminology, teaching them to correctly say “penis.” Their inquiries have evolved to practical questions, such as why boys wear different underwear than girls, which I can easily address.
Between the ages of two and six, children are naturally curious about their bodies, including their genitals, and begin asking questions about others’ private parts, especially regarding breasts and their purpose. We navigated these discussions by providing clear and straightforward answers, even when the topics made me uncomfortable. We talked openly about breastfeeding and answered their questions, ensuring they understood the truth about their bodies and felt comfortable discussing its natural functions.
Now that my children are in the six to nine age range, their questions and curiosity about sexual behavior align with their developmental milestones. They seek more privacy, manage bathroom independence, and pose questions like “how exactly does a baby come out of a vagina?” or “which hole does the baby come out of?”—all of which are developmentally appropriate. It is also during this stage that they may begin to explore masturbation, often in private.
As family physician Dr. Sarah Mitchell notes in a piece for our blog, it’s essential to teach children about discretion regarding masturbation without shaming them. Understanding what feels good and the purpose of their body parts is a vital step toward becoming a healthy young adult. It’s our responsibility to reassure them that seeking pleasure in this way is perfectly acceptable. If children engage in masturbation in public, however, it’s time for a different conversation about privacy.
It’s never too early to instill the concept of consent, emphasizing that their bodies are theirs alone and they have the right to say no if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. This conversation should be ongoing, evolving with their maturity and understanding.
As kids transition into the 10-13 age range, their interest in the opposite (or same) sex may start to blossom, and they will likely use more explicit language related to sexual behavior. Their vocabulary will expand alongside their understanding of attraction and how it influences their lives, especially as they enter middle school. Remember, children develop at their own pace, and there are no strict guidelines dictating when attraction must occur.
I strive to create an environment where my kids feel heard, understood, and accepted, including discussions about their sexual health and behaviors. While walking in on them during personal exploration can be awkward, it’s vital to maintain an open dialogue at any age, encouraging them to approach us with questions in a calm, non-judgmental manner.
Educating our children about their bodies is not solely their responsibility. Just as we nurture their growth and development in other areas, we must also prioritize their sexual health. Our role is to ensure they feel safe and happy—emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually—and to teach them how to foster that well-being.
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