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My partner and I often find ourselves feeling that our intimate life could use a bit more spark. Our sexual desires vary significantly; I would prefer to be intimate a few times a week, while she feels satisfied with two or three times a month. Over time, we’ve navigated what works for us, learning the importance of communication about intimacy, both before and during our time together.
When we began discussing “intimacy before kids,” it naturally led to conversations about our previous relationships and past partners. Until recently, we had avoided discussing our experiences with exes, keeping them in the past where they belong. However, I’ve come to realize that sharing these details can be a vital part of our connection.
After watching a steamy scene on The L Word: Generation Q, my curiosity piqued. I wanted to learn more about her past partners, what they enjoyed in bed, and what didn’t work for them. Part of me hoped that understanding her previous experiences could help enhance our own intimacy. Though I was nervous to bring it up, once we started the conversation, it felt like something we had needed to discuss for a long time. I asked, “What did you enjoy with her…in bed?” My apprehension was palpable, but a half-smile appeared on her face as she replied, “I was the one who tried things.”
At that moment, I felt a wave of insecurity wash over me. Had we already explored those things? Did she want to attempt them with me? These questions loomed in my mind, but I found the courage to voice them. This conversation turned out to be one of the most significant discussions we’ve ever had about our past sexual experiences. Unlike the earlier days of our relationship, where we were still trying to impress each other, we were now seasoned partners focused on understanding one another.
Psychologist Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., notes that “self-disclosure enhances intimacy.” Sharing our sexual histories can foster trust, improve communication, and help avoid repeating past mistakes. For us, it was about ensuring we didn’t stumble into the same pitfalls again.
Ultimately, we discovered we could be candid about what had pleased us before, even if our preferences had shifted as a committed couple. We acknowledged that certain things, like a mini-vibrator that had worked with an ex, hadn’t found a place in our current relationship. I made it clear that certain activities were reserved for the kitchen, not the bedroom.
These honest exchanges revealed that we had nothing to hide. We were not concealing promiscuity or undisclosed health issues. Knowing about each other’s pasts helped us better understand one another. It opened up channels for follow-up questions and allowed us to clarify what had worked before, giving us the chance to explore new dimensions of our intimacy together.
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In summary, discussing our past sexual partners not only helped deepen our connection but also enhanced our understanding of each other. By openly sharing our experiences, we created a safe space for intimacy and growth within our relationship.