A friend of mine once recounted a vivid yet troubling moment from his past—being rushed into a trauma unit after attempting to take his own life. He remembers the bright lights overhead and the frantic voices surrounding him. Then came the moment they cut away his clothes, and even in that state of despair and near-unconsciousness, he felt a wave of humiliation crash over him. That, my friends, is true shame.
Recently, I took a weekend trip with my kids, and during breakfast, a stranger shot me a disapproving look as my lively preschoolers enjoyed their meal. She rolled her eyes and loudly exclaimed, “Oh my God. Can you please control your children?” That, however, is not shame.
In recent years, researchers like Brené Brown have significantly highlighted concepts like shame and vulnerability in our discourse. Dr. Brown has guided countless individuals, including myself, toward leading more fulfilling lives. It’s crucial to recognize that shame is a very real experience, and discussing it matters.
Regrettably, the term has become a punchline. After the encounter in the hotel breakfast area, it would have been easy to declare that I had been mom-shamed. I could have penned a lengthy complaint about intolerant attitudes and how they complicate motherhood. In that moment, I could have even confronted her for criticizing my children for simply being kids. That would align with how we currently use the term, but it wouldn’t be truthful.
The woman near the cereal bar didn’t shame me; she embarrassed me. I felt no shame in that moment. Instead, her rudeness served as a reminder that we live in a diverse society, often encountering people whose values clash with our own. My children were simply being their boisterous selves, which stood in stark contrast to her desire for a calm breakfast. Meanwhile, her eye-rolling and harsh remarks contradicted my beliefs about treating others with kindness. We were having a values clash; my identity was not at stake. I merely had an unpleasant interaction with an inconsiderate person.
Contrast this with my friend on that gurney. His body was exposed for all to see, triggering a deep, visceral shame that goes beyond discomfort. When you feel that level of humiliation, even in a state of near-unconsciousness, you understand that your very identity feels threatened. Thankfully, he addressed those feelings in the weeks that followed.
Shame is a real and damaging force that can impact lives profoundly. So, let’s stop labeling every disagreement as “shaming.” If someone gives you a judgmental look, criticizes you, or calls you out, more often than not, you’re dealing with a clash of values, leaving you feeling embarrassed or angry. You might wish to disappear rather than confront the situation, much like I felt with my rambunctious kids that morning. But in the end, you are not left incapacitated; life goes on. That’s not shame; that’s simply life.
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In summary, let’s reshape our understanding of shame in parenting. Distinguishing between genuine shame and mere embarrassment can enhance our experiences and interactions as parents.